Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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