my phone needs a breathalizer
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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