Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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