how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize