What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
