Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
