why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
