I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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