We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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