I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize