My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
the raccoons are back...
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