I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
