Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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