First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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