The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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