is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
