Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
