I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
