On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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