I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize