After last night, I could never be a politician.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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