textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
