I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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