i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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