i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
