atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
