she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
