So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
