We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
