Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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