Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
