It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
