Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
