This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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