At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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