When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
