My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
