this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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