The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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