I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
