Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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