Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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