I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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