Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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