my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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