Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
