Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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