Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
