WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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