Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
