I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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