god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
