How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
