I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
