mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
