My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize