I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
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