I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Can you bring me the toilet please
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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