i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
