matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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