I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
