he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
