Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Buhtt sex?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm sobbing to NWA
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
