dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
